Hidden Value of Arguments

It happens. Everything seems fine and you're having a pleasant conversation with your wife, girlfriend or date. Then, it seems like she doesn't understand something you're saying, or you don't understand something she's saying. You know you should leave it at that, but something inside you compels you to just push a bit further. If I could only get this one point through! Before you know it, she's a bitch, you're an asshole, and all hell has broken loose.

We know arguing isn't a good idea. We know it hurts the relationship, and hurts our kids. Heck, we didn't like it when we were kids and our parents argued. Also, we know we'll never win an argument. Even if it feels like we've won - which is rare - we'll pay for it later. It all makes sense not to argue. But, all that logic falls apart when trapped in the heat of an argument.Arguing

"Wait a minute, I thought this article was about the value of arguing?" That's true. But, no article on the value would do arguing justice if we didn't start by saying what a butt-stupid idea it was in the first place. Unfortunately, we are men, and butt-stupid is often a way of life for us. This article is how to derive value from the argument, after you've gone down that suck-hole and had it out.

  • Having an argument, means loosing control of yourself. You clearly acted without logic. The real question is what does that reveal about you? When we are compelled to act against our better judgement, it reveals some insecurity in us. Let me explain. Say you walk up to a man who's 6' 4'' and tell him he's too short. He'll think you're weird, and dismiss you. Do the same thing to a man who's 5' 2'', and you have a good chance of walking away bruised. The man who thinks he's short is more sensitive to the topic, likely more insecure, and more prone to act out irrationally. When you flip that around, the times when you act irrationally, it reveals an insecurity in you - something you doubt about yourself which the other person (in the argument) is triggering. It being revealed is good news - you can do something about it. Take it to your team, figure out actions to mold and perfect your character, and deal with the insecurity. By learning from the argument, you'll be closer to the man you've always wanted to be, and will be less likely to argue about that topic next time.
  • We're often too nice in our culture (more so, since I'm writing this from Canada), or looking for approval from our loved one. Often that leads to things which we want said, not being said. Arguments often get those things out of our system, and allow us to be heard. Granted, it would be much better to discuss them maturely, but if an argument is what it takes to raise the topic, we'll take it. Look for what you or she said in the argument that you've been holding onto and not saying. Then start a mature conversation about it - including a ton of quality listening. Some of the most common things not being said are: please appreciate me, please respect me and please love me.
  • Want the next level? What was the doubt preventing you from saying it, or the lack of listening preventing you from hearing it, before? Hint: there's no place for blame here. Be the man who says what's needed and the leader who creates a safe enough space for anything to be said.
  • Making up. What article on arguing would be complete without talking about making up, and of course, the possibility of make-up sex. Do I need to say more about that?
Gary Menezes, 2019-03-31 | Posted in General